Set your soul on fire

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As I sit hear on the Amtrak train, trying to memorize my lines for an upcoming show at Second City. I see a little boy in a Buzz Lightyear costume holding his dad’s hand, who is just living it up. Part of me wants to join him on the dirty Amtrak floor and beg his dad for snacks too.

I’ve spent the last couple weeks trying to wrap my mind around some recent events that have happened. Asking myself if I’m doing the right things with my life? You know typical life stuff.

I came up with this conclusion; one thing we are all guilty of is trying to live to fast and how fast life happens. Some days it’s like we become so numb as humans and go through the same motion and same routine, every day, or every week. We all stress about money. The moments we take for granted like fighting with a parent or sibling. I’ve reached a point in my life that every time I see a loved one I hold on tight before I leave. I was raised to treat people as I would want to be treated because you never truly know what someone is battling or going through. I’m not perfect and everyone has skeletons in their closet. But I try to be someone for my brothers, sisters, cousins, nieces and nephews to look up too. I try to focus on the positives because it’s a negative world we live in.

Before I was 13 I saw two people die. My great-grandparents, the second real heartbreak I had ever experienced. We won’t talk about the first real heartbreak that happened when I was 10, but I will tell you this. It made me stronger. I would also like to tell my 13-year-old self that there will be several more heartbreaks and you will get through it. Beyoncé, Amy Schumer, SNL, and Carrie Underwood will help you. And your friends, they will play such a huge role in how you grow into a young woman. But when did funerals start becoming the place where I would have reunions with old family and friends?

I haven’t written on this blog in awhile because I’ve been busy doing classes, writing, shows, working, and open mic nights. Living, Farting, breathing, eating pizza, trotting (walking) 5k’s, and drinking red wine, getting kidney stones ya know. Just trying to keep my head above water and keep up, just like everyone else is doing.

A friend I haven’t seen in years under circumstances I wish were different, said words to me I will hold close to my heart forever. But every night before I step up to mic before the nerves hit and possible diarrhea, and the little devil in the back of my mind that says you are not funny, you suck, your jokes suck, and you are fat. No wonder you are single. And I would like to think that I am a strong independent woman, I’ve supported myself. I put myself through college, I have traveled the world, but I am human and I have weak moments, too. And then I turn on “Cry Pretty” by Carrie Underwood or  “Fighter” by Christina and dance around my apartment using my wine bottle as a microphone, or my fake microphone’s I own from the Dollar Tree. (Demi and Kelly also have some great jams to rock out too) My poor neighbors.

Back to before I step on stage: I think about my siblings (all of them, every single one of them, even the ones I don’t know, the ones who I consider siblings, my family, my friends, my grandparents, lost loved ones, my Aunt Carrie, and my mom.) What am I fighting for? I think about that lost little 19-year-old girl who sat and cried to her grandpa because she thought she was failing at life. And he said to me, “Bree, once you find your passion in life you will find a way. When people want something bad enough they find a way to get it and go after it.”  He also gave me the picture below:

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He worked two jobs his entire life, so he could have the life he has now. My grandma she is one of the hardest working people I’ve ever met. She never misses a day of work. My other grandma she works so hard and is always so involved in everything she’s committed too. My aunt and my mom, who I have always called mom and Dad because they use to go to my parent teacher conferences together, who have worked hard for every thing they have. I just want to give these people the life they deserve. I also want to forgive people. They say, “forgiving is the easy part, the hardest part is forgetting.” I ask myself why am I doing this? Why can’t I just want to be a nurse or something?

“Bree, go back to school and finish your masters! ” – My inner goddess. (We think her name is either Tess or Breyonce. It depends on the day.)

Every time I try to quit, I think, “GO BACK TO SCHOOL to get a better job.” But then one of those cheesy quotes or memes will pop up and say, “The world needs what you’ve got.” Then I think about my friend’s kids and the world we are living in right now and how cruel it’s becoming. How I hope and pray it changes for them. That we will not live in a world where we are afraid to send our kids to the movie theater, or go to a club, or better yet just send our kids to school. I question if I, myself even want kids. I already go to bed worrying about my siblings, cousins, and my friend’s kids. Just kidding I want kids, I have to be paid back for all those years I played pranks on my mom. Damn my anxiety. So, right now as I’m in the very beginning stages of a comedy career and still have a lot of room to grow and a lot more hecklers to shake off, and a lot more rejections to face. Or maybe I’m just doing something weird with my life until I figure something else out.

I say a quote to myself from Maya Angelou, “I come as one, I stand as ten thousand.”

I will pray for peace, but that only goes so far. I will also go out there and fight for it and fight for these kids.

And I will leave you with this … three truths and a lie, you decide:

1. A prostitute once threw a cheeseburger at me in Australia.
2. I was once hit by a car my senior year of college.
3. Nelly once told me I was cute.
4. I have five biological siblings.

This is also another song younger Bree use to jam out too.

I’ve also realized. I am becoming my mother. Exhibit A, the inside of my purse.

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I would also like to introduce you to a character that was created over the weekend out of boredom, when I was left home alone by myself for a long period of time with a feathered hat: Meet Ranger Rick.

Thanks to all who have served our country! Happy Memorial Day! Shout out to my friends and family who have served.

#justicefordrake

Details for Better Late Night Than Never Show:https://www.secondcity.com/shows/chicago/better-late-night-than-never/

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