My First Time…


Most Creative and Best Song Choice

So, I thought I would be writing about the time I spent $30 to meet Amy Schumer, but instead I want to tell you about my first time…My first time doing drag.

Bet you thought I was going to tell you about my real “first time.” We will keep that a mystery.

I was little buzzed after my performance with The Real Ben Ross, so naturally I almost got a tattoo on my ass with my friend’s boyfriend. My mom probably would’ve approved of that…

But some voice of reason talked me out of it.

It will most likely happen at some point.

I’m also chaffed from dancing in jeans. #thunderthighprobz


Danny & Sandy 

We spent about a week rehearsing our roles as Danny and Sandy.

It took me about sixty seconds to get into my role as John Travolta considering that in my early twenties, my metabolism decided to shut down and my body decided I needed facial hair. I probably looked more like the current day John Travolta than the one in Grease.

And as I type this with my tits, I’ve always felt I had too much personality to have a job where I just sit behind a computer. So, here I am working 9 to 5…sitting behind a computer. Gaining weight and making up my own games with the software at work so things can be more interesting.

I thought that moving to a big city would make me skinnier, because I would be walking everywhere. But no instead, it’s making me fatter and lazier. I can even order groceries or Chipotle right to my door (she says with a mouth full of burrito).

And as I’m gazing out the bus window thinking about our performance last night and what it would be like to have a lot of money, I notice that there is a naked man standing in his window. You do you boo but if you’re trying to flaunt it, I’m going to need binoculars to see that garden snake.

Then right as I get off the bus, still singing “You’re The One That I Want” in my head and realizing that I definitely looked like the lesbian from the Orange is the New Black, I trip on a flat surface.

Yep. Still livin’ on a prayer.


Don’t forget the director. 


The View from the Floor



Have you ever heard that saying when it rains it pours? Well that’s literally my life or how this week is going so far…

I would like you to imagine the trailer of the new Ghostbuster’s when Leslie Jones falls into a sea of people and nobody catches her. This was literally me twenty minutes ago on the bus.

Picture this, you’re sitting on the 22 bus in the middle of rush hour. The driver slams on the brakes. Then out of nowhere, a mid sized obese girl goes flying through the isle. That mid-sized obese girl…yeah…that’s me.

So there I was lying on the dirty bus floor, probably covered in some homeless guy’s pee, no one helping me and Beyonce singing in my ear. But instead of getting up, I just laid there hysterically laughing because the same thing happened to me last week.

And let’s just put the cherry on top of that…when I went to go push myself up on the table at physical therapy, I farted. Loudly. And I suddenly realized my life is a mess.

I’m starting to feel my age after that fall though because my body is aching in places I didn’t know existed. I wanted to yell out on the bus, “Did anyone get that on video?!” How was I was the only one laughing?

And now my roommate is yelling at me for farting…whoops. I’m sorry I have natural gas.

Though it may seem like my professional and personal life is falling apart, I did have the opportunity last weekend to finally visit “The Big Apple” or literally the city that never sleeps.

After I landed and somehow managed my way onto the Long Island Railroad, I found out the group I was meeting was postponed until Southwest Airlines finally got their shit together. So, here I was mindlessly wondering in New York City alone.

I found myself waiting in line to see a live taping of Seth Meyers, which I did not get to see. But I got to entertain the people in line by telling my substitute teacher stories, who knew they would be a hit. I didn’t mean to say shit in front of a third grader. Honest, it was a mistake. I’m really surprised I wasn’t fired. Thank God that part of my life is over.

However, my mother would most likely be disappointed with me because I walked back to our hotel by myself at 12:30 in the morning, in the pouring rain. But I was really proud of myself because I exceeded 10,000 steps with my fitness pal app. Don’t worry, I’m still fat.

Proceed to the next day, my friends and I are three wide on a Rickshaw headed to Central Park where I proceeded to ask our driver if we were over the weight limit?

So, naturally I was just pretending to be Serena van der Woodsen and quoting Gossip Girl the entire time, but no one understood. Just like I didn’t understand why my friend was playing Pokémon Go.

But we finally ended up at Ground Zero, which was such a surreal moment. Even though I was in the 4th grade when it happened, I can remember what I did that day. And how crazy the world seemed to me when I was just a ten-year old girl. I think every American should spend a day in that museum because it will change your life. We need to remember what hatred does to mankind. We need to look out for each other and change the minds for the future.



The stairs that saved thousands.

ground 0

View of the Twin Towers.


Until further notice: If you need me you can reach me by sending vodka and aspirin because I’m not moving from the couch.