God’s Soldiers

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Saturday, as I was playing my mom’s doppelgänger, I mean literally, I was pretending to be my mom. I signed in to the event as her, sat with all of her fellow nurse practitioner classmates, inducting her into the nursing chapter, and receiving her chords for graduation.While trying not to hysterically laugh as I shake hands with the Dean.

I felt like an actress. Where is my Oscar?

I would die if I ended up on the campus website of her college. They were taking pictures. I didn’t realize it was such a big deal.

Maybe I should be an actress.

My heart is full at the moment, it’s full of sadness. I have some friends and family members going through what I like to call, “the loops of life.” Life is not easy for anyone. It is constantly slapping us in our faces. It is out of our control. We do not understand why things happen, but they happen. It builds our character. It makes us stronger. This is what  I have to say to them,”Sometimes God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.”

So I will leave you with this:

Drug abuse is real. Addiction is real. Majority of the time the abusers do not realize who they are hurting. The high is the only thing that matters. It does not just effect your life. It effects the people around you. The people around you are the ones suffering while you are getting high. They are the ones in pain.

I once knew a girl, who’s life was almost ruined by drugs. She wasn’t the one doing the drugs. She almost had to drop out of college.

I have watched so many people ruin their lives because of drugs it is not worth it. If you want to get messed up, go buy a case of beer or a bottle of wine. I love wine. Jesus drank it. I’m drinking it right now as I’m smelling Shelby’s dog’s farts.

 

Pretty Hurts

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As I was sitting on the Megabus, getting crop dusted by fellow passengers, I was literally on the verge of passing out. I seriously think someone soiled themselves. I thought of a major topic that has been categorizing women for years, the term “plus size.”

Plus size, why do we even have that term in our vocabulary ?

Why can’t we just be known as strong, successful, and empowering women? Why is society obsessing over body image and not focusing on the person inside of the body?

We’ve all had those moments where we look at a picture from high school and think, “Damn, I thought I was fat then.”

And believe me, no man has ever looked at me the way I look at a cheeseburger, but when the time comes, picture it: eyes connecting, mouths full of meat, I will know I have found my own soup snake. Until then, I will just enjoy the beef.

I like to blame obesity for all my problems.
“Oh I can’t pay my bills, it must be my obesity.”

“My car has a flat tire, must be my obesity.”

“My shoes have holes in them, must be my obesity.”

 

I remember being in the seventh grade, I was a size 8. I had my first real boyfriend. I was so excited. Then I overheard one of his friends in Geography class call me a fat ass.

WHAT the Fuck? As you could imagine the bull horns started peaking through my skull. My nostrils were flaring, but me being me, instead of sticking up for myself I just broke up with him. Ahhh, the joys of young love.

I’ve always struggled with my weight. I’ve even had some certain people in my life comment on my “plus size” weight gain. You know what I have to say to them? Kiss my voluptuous ass. I’m not sorry I can only afford ramen at the moment.

I would like to say that I come from a family of “plus size” women, so I guess my family breeds us hefty.

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I’m not sorry that I love food. I hate when people tell you to watch what you eat. Really? I do watch what I eat. I watch it go right into my mouth.

Things bootylicious girls get in trouble for:

Mooning, I can’t stop myself when the opportunity arises. The freeing feeling of my bare ass in the air like a baboon as I cackle is something I will not pass up. It can be tricky, not knowing there are fifth grade boys in the van when my mom pulls into the garage…whoops!

Have you seen the recent headlines lately? They are all about body image and being plus size. Body shaming people. Body shamers don’t ever look in the damn mirror. Maybe they are afraid of what they might see staring back at them.

If they are calling Amy Schumer plus size, then are the rest of us abnormally obese? Thank God, we have people like her for young girls to look up to.

I’m not sorry I like to eat McDonalds. I don’t understand why that food makes you gain weight anyways, because it usually ends in a McShit.

If I ever have offspring and that child is a girl, she will never question her body. I will tell her everyday she is beautiful. I will be her advocate. I will hearten her creative mind and protect her confidence.

Jennifer Lawrence said in a recent article,”I think we’ve gotten so used to underweight that when you’re a normal weight, it’s like Oh My God, she’s curvy. Which is crazy!”

She couldn’t have said it better. We are the mentors for young girls. Let’s change the way we think.

Help me share this message! We are all beautiful people.

I love myself. I respect myself. As Queen Bey would say, flaws and all.

Join the Kind Campaign. #kindnessmatters

 

Now, mama needs to eat!

 

H2O, it’s important

 

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I imagine that if I had a body guard he would look like John Cena and his name would be Frank.

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And the following would be a daily conversation:

Picture it: Me having to use the bathroom.

Me: “Frank, you’re probably going to have to stand there for a while.”

Frank: “___” (silence)

And below is  the face he would be making: (Meanwhile, he’s thinking, “Damn girl, again!”)

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This morning as I was lip syncing Earth, Wind and Fire. In the elevator, I realized that my doorman probably has a camera in here and can see my every move, because I was also dancing.

Speaking of dancing, I still have not went out for a “thirsty Thursday”, since moving to Chicago. Wow, am I that pathetic? Or am I getting old?

Because I know that around 4:45 pm each day, I start getting tunnel vision to my bed.

Think about this:

One in ten people do not have safe water to drink. That’s about 660 million people, according to the World Health Organization. One in three people do not have access to a toilet, that’s about 2 billion people.

Do not take for granted, water or  a “pot to piss in.” Speaking of that, I’m pretty sure I sat in urine on the El (Public transit in Chicago.) The urine was most likely left by a homeless person, I try not to think about it.

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Think about water and food, which are probably two things we all take for granted. We are all guilty of wasting food or throwing it a way. When so many kids are going hungry, going to bed every night without something to eat. Some of these kids, the only time they get to eat is at school during lunch.

When I was in college, (Wow, that makes me sound old), my roommate, was student teaching in a low poverty area. There were times she would come home so frustrated because some of her students were literally starving. She started bringing snacks to give to her students. These snacks she bought with her own money while she was a poor college student. She is changing the future. She is the type of person we all need teaching kids. We have poverty and starvation in our own country that needs to be fixed. It’s everywhere.

In my opinion, encouraging a child’s imagination is one of the best things we can do as adults. It allows them to create their own world and fantasy, because when you’re a kid you believe everything. It allows them to be creative.

I can remember as a child I had a Barbie jeep. It was pink. I would drive up to the window of our house to pretend like I was ordering food at a fast food restaurant. I probably ordered a bologna sandwich with a squeeze it. But it was teaching me life lessons for the future. I can remember saying, “Thank you, Ma’am,” as if my mom was the cashier at McDonald’s. The point: Be polite, to whomever encounters you. You could be the one kind face they see that day.

Children mock, what their  idols do. For example: When my little sister was two, she tried ordering a senior diet, because that’s what our grandma always ordered. Could you imagine being that cashier?

Moral of the story: Be polite. Set a positive example. Don’t take daily luxurious for granted. Kindness matters.

I will leave you with this:

When I was younger I tried to start a band with my best friend, we called it the “Beach Girls.” Our first hit was going to be “Sitting on a rock,” (WTF, who were we), then I recently found a piece of paper where we had tried to write a rap song.

This was my line, “My name’s Bree Stitt, cuz I’m the shit. I put DE-O-DERRRENT on my armpits, ugh. What, what!”

Who am I? That’s just quite frankly, embarrassing.

This rapper is peacing  out and preparing for my long journey on the Megabus!

Have a good day, my friends.

Let your imaginations explore.

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My fantasy

Literally, I was waiting at the bus stop this morning freezing my nips off, probably could have etched my name in a glass window.

I was also day dreaming that Brett Eldredge was my boyfriend. #Icouldbedrunkonyourlove #celebritycrush … I may live in a fantasy world.

My little cousin truly believes that Brett Eldredge is my boyfriend, but she also has pretend boyfriends herself. They travel everywhere with her, even to the doctor’s office. They were at Christmas.

But, do you see what I mean?

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My aunt gave me the sex talk once. All she said was, “A girl can always hide a wet panty.”

I was 15.

This is when I wish I was a Victoria Secret model.

Speaking of Victoria’s Secret, I keep encountering the wire in your bra. I can’t afford to keep buying them. You know what I’m talking about. Don’t act like you’ve never had a wire bust through the seams and start poking your under teet. Or is that just busty girl probz?

One of the reasons why I don’t jog, I will get a black eye. I basically carry around two newborn babies everyday.

Random thought: the song “Work” by Rihanna just came on my Pandora, I wonder how long it took her to write that song? Whatever, I’m still listening to it.

Whenever my mom calls me or somebody important, instead of saying, “hello,”  I say, “Talk dirty to me.” She never does.

Thoughts of the day: They told me I couldn’t, so I did. Don’t ever let someone tell you,you can’t do something. If you find what you want to do with your life, go after it.

Random story: I once was the designated driver (I know what you’re thinking. Bree the designated driver? Well, this was before I had met Jose Cuervo. My real boyfriend.)

And yes, this was the night I got pulled over sober and failed a sobriety test because I was so nervous. I couldn’t walk a straight line. My one friend was puking. I was about to shit my pants. Because my friends are smart and had a DD, the cop let us off the hook.  However, the cop did not entirely let us off the hook because I got a ticket for crossing the center line.

WTF, I didn’t even know that existed and we were on a country road. THERE ARE NO LINES ON A COUNTRY ROAD.

Moral of the story: Be smart if you are drinking. Call someone to pick you up. Yes, it’s embarrassing, believe me I’ve been there. I had to call my grandpa to come pick me up, and I can only imagine what I said to him in the car. We will leave that a mystery.

Be safe. Be smart. Never venture off. Use the buddy system. Just like we learned in D.A.R.E.

 

Thank you to the men and women who risk their lives to protect us.

Officer Bree, over and out.

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I bought this for my bus ride home tomorrow. But Bree you’re not yourself when you’re hungry? (P.S. It’s not going to make it to the bus ride.)

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But first…Where is the love?

 

But first let me take a selfie…

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I woke up this morning casually late, on accident because I hit snooze three times. And when I get to work I walk past a mirror and my first thought: “Holy shit is that what I really look like?”

And then my brain started singing: “Girl you don’t need make up, you’re perfect when you wake up.” (Credits: Inside Amy Schumer) You should YouTube the video, it’s hilarious. And I love everything Amy Schumer stands for, she’s killing it.

And then I thought if I actually worked out as much as I thought about it, I would have been on the cover of Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition by now. But let’s face it, I do not have Carrie Underwood’s legs.

 

So take a minute today and listen to this song:

In my best Black Eye Peas and J.T voice:

“Father, Father, Father help us, Send some guidance from above,’Cause people got me, got me questionin’, Where is the love?”

 

It’s just like it says in the song, we only have one world, and we also only have one life. It’s up to us how we want to spend that life and how we want to impact the world. How do we want to change it?

As I ponder on my own life decisions, yes I have regrets, but who doesn’t? I mean really who hasn’t “accidentally” drank a whole bottle of red wine. I hear it’s good for the heart. OK, maybe that’s just one glass.

But still, don’t act like a bottle of Cabernet has never whispered sensual things in your ear. Because I know when it starts whispering in my ear, it leads me straight to the bedroom with William, as in Willy, my pillow pet. And then I pass out.

So here is my thought today, abuse is real. IT’S REAL. Whether it’s physical, verbal, whatever, you name it. And most people are afraid to talk about it.

When I was 20, I worked the night shift at Lowe’s in Indianapolis. My shift was crossed over with an elderly woman, who just answered the phones at customer service. And she had so many life stories, man you could be there for hours.

But one day, she opened up to me about how abusive her ex-husband could be. About how bad it got one night she ended up in the hospital. She could barely walk and the abuse impaired her vision for the rest of her life. It broke my heart just hearing what she went through. I was so mad. What is wrong with people? But I totally get it. I understand that people are afraid to reach out for help or that they are too embarrassed. But this is an intelligent and smart woman, who was held back by a man because he thinks he empowers her. But she overcame him and the abuse and I felt she trusted me enough that maybe sharing a little bit of her story, would help someone get out of a situation.

It’s people like her that have given me the motivation to get through my own life experiences.

It brings me back to how I was feeling when I was substitute teaching, because I hated it.

I definitely know I don’t want to be a teacher. Sorry, kids. So, I kept telling myself this isn’t forever, this is just the now. I would think of what so many other people were going through, and remind myself that I have a great life. But the only person who can fix it, is me.

I will leave you with this because some funny shit did happen:

I was substituting for a kindergarten class during Halloween and we were running out of things to do, because you can only entertain kids at that age for so long. So, I said, “Listen up, everybody get in your seats. We are all going to tell the class what we are going to be for Halloween and what we love about it.” Then I see this tiny little boy, so cute, raise his hand, he says,” Miss Bree, I don’t think I have anything to say because my family isn’t celebrating Halloween this year. My little brother has to get the skin cut off his wiener.” I lost it. I died. I could not contain my laughter. I would imagine that my substitute teaching was equivalent to Cameron Diaz in Bad Teacher.

Props to the teachers, who have to put up with this on a regular basis.

I also meant to mention this yesterday, but if teen mom was a show in the 90s, my mom would have rocked that shit.

Thank you to everyone who is reading my blog and sharing it!

And remember…never trust a fart.

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Kindness Matters

Sometimes I think the universe has a way of trying to make you get your shit together.

I recently reconnected with a friend from high school. We literally have not spoken to each other in three years. Seriously, where has the time gone? We talked all night about how it’s weird that Chicago brought us back together, it has to be for a certain reason right?

We ended up trying to cook food and it reminded me of the time, this same friend, tried to cook popcorn and almost burnt my entire house down. The popcorn was literally black ashes.

The wine was flowing and her dog was farting. How did two small town girls make it to the big city?

We made it because we worked for it. We didn’t come from money. We came from hardworking people. And these hardworking people put these goals and values in our head that started at a very young age.

With that being said…I feel like I have something to say…something to give back to the world.

As a little girl, my mom would always tell me to be nice to everybody because you never know what they are going through. This is something I have carried with me into adulthood. I would not be the person I am today without her. My mom had me when she was sixteen and she has been the only person who has secretly held my hand through every day. She has been there, since the day I took my first breath. She gave me my wings. It’s just like Dolly Parton says, “She’s a sparrow when she’s broken, but she’s an eagle when she flies.” So, mom this is me screaming to the world “I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!”

You’re hot.

I may cuss a lot or say perverted things, once in a while, or once every day, but I truly believe in God. I don’t go to church every Sunday, but I pray. So, judge me. I am who I am.

This brings me to my next thought:

This coming December it will be ten years that a dear friend, classmate, inspiration will be in heaven. And this quote will always remind me of him.

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget the way you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou

So, to the teenagers out there bullying their classmates you need to stop and start caring about each other. Because you guys are the future and you never know what will happen. The kid that sits next to you in English, you know the one you pick on because he’s smart. He could be killed in an accident. Then how would you feel. Spread kindness, it matters. Treat others with respect. Open doors for people, because it literally could make their day.

I started this blog to help with my writing and to help me get better at writing comedy, but I also want it to inspire other people. If people actually follow it.

God Bless the people that decide to follow it and the people who actually decide to read my inner thoughts.

Walk with me on this journey.

“Can I get a what what ladies!” Remember to kick ass every day.

I thought I would share this video I created for a class in college.

It’s kind of embarrassing, but here it is.

 

 

 

The jokes on me

April 1, 2016

Picture it:

We are at the lakes. I’m not really sure who is all there, but I know
that at least a few of the people are Amy Schumer and my mom. Amy convinces me to rent jet ski’s so I do it. Then we are racing on these jet ski’s and I’m flying on this jet ski because I want to fucking win. I look back and Amy is hysterically laughing because now I realize that I’m being chased by a shark. I flip my jet ski on a log and start sinking to the bottom. Then Amy flies by and pulls me up on her jet ski. By the way, in my dream she must be really strong because I don’t think anyone could pull me up on a jet ski, and
then we both start hysterically laughing and talk about how we really want hot dogs.

Alarm goes off (Which the tone is the theme song to the
Ellen DeGeneres show). Girl hits snooze, twice, then finally gets up
to rush around to get ready for work. She storms out of the apartment
(The Beyonce Credits Video beat starts playing, because for some
reason it’s the first song that always plays) and it’s raining, then
the girl literally trips on the sidewalk trying to catch the bus.

Most days I feel as though God is constantly laughing at me. Majority
of the time I’m the girl who is consistently tripping and falling flat
on my face.

For example: Yesterday, I had a piece of toilet paper stuck in my
pants that a co-worker had to inform me about.

I’m currently, still living from paycheck to paycheck. I find it
ironically weird that in college I had more money. I could afford
alcohol and vacations. Now, I’m just trying to pay that shit off. So,
my social life consists of me, a piece of baked chicken with lemon
juice, a side of ramen noodles, and Netflix. I’m still waiting for
that college degree to pay off. I worked so hard for that damn degree,
working full-time at Lowe’s.

On top of that, I’ve gained so much weight I look like I’ve already
had three children.

Cheers to being an adult. I love it. It’s great.

I was really fooled yesterday when I woke up truly believing I was
still 17. I’m 24, single, and broke.

I wonder if I’ll ever have my shit together.

Shall we reminiscence on the first time I moved to Chicago? A bird
shit on my head on my way to work, so I was left washing my hair at
work with the hand soap in the bathroom.

So, here I am. A grad school dropout and barely employed. My friends
convinced me to start writing a blog, since my dream career is to
write comedy for Comedy Central or SNL or something like that.