Is it only Tuesday?

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Do you ever have a moment that just keeps reoccurring or happens on multiple occasions? And you think to yourself, is this some type of metaphor or sign?

For example: Today, I was walking back from a meeting and a co-worker says to me, “Bree, there’s something caught in your sweater?”… It was toilet paper. Sadly, this is not my first offense of this happening at work. What I want to know is how long I’ve been walking around with toilet paper hanging out of my ass? On a previous bathroom break incident a few months ago, the toilet paper got stuck in my vest and rolled all the way out from the stall, while I was washing my hands. But I would have never noticed if someone didn’t walk in. It probably would have rolled all the way back to my desk with me leaving a trail. If this is any indication of how the week is going, let me just add that so far this week I’ve sharted and had toilet paper stuck to my pants, and it’s only Tuesday. And I just did an eye roll for all the people who are probably grossed out by that, because naturally I am human first. Let me guess you’ve never farted at all during your adult life. Me either. Just kidding, it wakes me up like a built in alarm clock system.

Life is weird.

Which leads me to my thought of the day or word of the day “utilitarianism.” It basically means the greatest good for the greater number of people or the greatest happiness for the greatest number. I learned this term from a very wise professor at Butler University, who has now passed. But this was one term from his class that has stuck with me through out my adult life. We make mistakes, we make choices, but let your actions define you as a person. Even as a little girl I can remember my mom telling me, “treat people how you want to be treated, you never know what someone else is dealing with or struggling with.” In a world that has become so cruel, be kind. We all go through shit…we all have troubles… it’s called life. So, even if you shit your pants or spill pasta sauce all over your sweater, it’s not the end, but a great story. Everyone has a battle, but not everyone has a great friend.

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“You’ve got a friend in Bree”

XOXO

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So, tell me what to do now…

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And your host of the night, Joey Fatone.

 

Just when you think the 90s are over…it creeps back up on you. Like Nick@Nite or Double Dare…or Joey Fatone.

 

I was established in 1991. I grew up feeding my geo pet, listening to my hit clips, reeking of the blueberry roll-on Art Stuff body glitter. And pretending to be a Spice Girl, I was always Scary Spice.

 

I don’t know if I should be ecstatic to have met Joey Fatone in my mid-twenties, where I proceeded to tell him he lived on my bedroom wall, until I was about 18. His response: “I am so sorry.” I can remember the exact poster and how excited I was when my grandma got it for me. Now, I’m starting to feel old, especially since 98 Degrees and the Backstreet Boys are making comeback tours.

 

And let me remind you that I was only going to stay at this party for a couple of hours, since my body requires 42 hours of sleep. And hibernating season is among us.

 

Fast forward 12 am…butterfly clips all over my head, side pony, scrunchies, and glow in the dark bracelets. And lets not forget the chokers.

 

My inner 9 year-old girl had come out and she was tearing up the dance floor because “I don’t wanna be a fool in this game for two.”

 

 

My entire life I have always envisioned that my first serious break up I would sing one of these songs to him. Like “The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do” is “be a fool in this game for two” you always said, “I’ll never break your heart, I’ll never make you cry.” But here we are and you keep saying you’re going to “Quit playing games with my heart.” And I’m just like I thought I was “Born to make you happy,” so now I’m still dealing with this “From the bottom of my broken heart,” but in reality, “You drive me crazy.”

 

That never happened, because I’m a single independent woman. Momma didn’t raise no fool. However, I did make my friend Ben rub my back. Genius.

 

And then we danced the night away with our bellies full of Good Burger. Just “Pissing the night away.” “He drinks a whiskey drink, he drinks a vodka drink, he drinks a larger drink, he drinks a cider drink,” I mean it is October, preferably with some Fireball in it.

 

Let me tell you, Nickelodeon knows how to throw a party. What a night. The slime. So let me leave you with the reminder of the teen BOP magazine and the broken butterfly clips I keep finding in my hair.

 

The 90s, an era that will last forever. Glad I got to participate. “If I could turn back time.”

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Isn’t kind of scary that us 90s kids are like actually real adults now? Well, I’m trying to be.

 

My First Time…

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Most Creative and Best Song Choice

So, I thought I would be writing about the time I spent $30 to meet Amy Schumer, but instead I want to tell you about my first time…My first time doing drag.

Bet you thought I was going to tell you about my real “first time.” We will keep that a mystery.

I was little buzzed after my performance with The Real Ben Ross, so naturally I almost got a tattoo on my ass with my friend’s boyfriend. My mom probably would’ve approved of that…

But some voice of reason talked me out of it.

It will most likely happen at some point.

I’m also chaffed from dancing in jeans. #thunderthighprobz

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Danny & Sandy 

We spent about a week rehearsing our roles as Danny and Sandy.

It took me about sixty seconds to get into my role as John Travolta considering that in my early twenties, my metabolism decided to shut down and my body decided I needed facial hair. I probably looked more like the current day John Travolta than the one in Grease.

And as I type this with my tits, I’ve always felt I had too much personality to have a job where I just sit behind a computer. So, here I am working 9 to 5…sitting behind a computer. Gaining weight and making up my own games with the software at work so things can be more interesting.

I thought that moving to a big city would make me skinnier, because I would be walking everywhere. But no instead, it’s making me fatter and lazier. I can even order groceries or Chipotle right to my door (she says with a mouth full of burrito).

And as I’m gazing out the bus window thinking about our performance last night and what it would be like to have a lot of money, I notice that there is a naked man standing in his window. You do you boo but if you’re trying to flaunt it, I’m going to need binoculars to see that garden snake.

Then right as I get off the bus, still singing “You’re The One That I Want” in my head and realizing that I definitely looked like the lesbian from the Orange is the New Black, I trip on a flat surface.

Yep. Still livin’ on a prayer.

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Don’t forget the director. 

The View from the Floor

 

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Have you ever heard that saying when it rains it pours? Well that’s literally my life or how this week is going so far…

I would like you to imagine the trailer of the new Ghostbuster’s when Leslie Jones falls into a sea of people and nobody catches her. This was literally me twenty minutes ago on the bus.

Picture this, you’re sitting on the 22 bus in the middle of rush hour. The driver slams on the brakes. Then out of nowhere, a mid sized obese girl goes flying through the isle. That mid-sized obese girl…yeah…that’s me.

So there I was lying on the dirty bus floor, probably covered in some homeless guy’s pee, no one helping me and Beyonce singing in my ear. But instead of getting up, I just laid there hysterically laughing because the same thing happened to me last week.

And let’s just put the cherry on top of that…when I went to go push myself up on the table at physical therapy, I farted. Loudly. And I suddenly realized my life is a mess.

I’m starting to feel my age after that fall though because my body is aching in places I didn’t know existed. I wanted to yell out on the bus, “Did anyone get that on video?!” How was I was the only one laughing?

And now my roommate is yelling at me for farting…whoops. I’m sorry I have natural gas.

Though it may seem like my professional and personal life is falling apart, I did have the opportunity last weekend to finally visit “The Big Apple” or literally the city that never sleeps.

After I landed and somehow managed my way onto the Long Island Railroad, I found out the group I was meeting was postponed until Southwest Airlines finally got their shit together. So, here I was mindlessly wondering in New York City alone.

I found myself waiting in line to see a live taping of Seth Meyers, which I did not get to see. But I got to entertain the people in line by telling my substitute teacher stories, who knew they would be a hit. I didn’t mean to say shit in front of a third grader. Honest, it was a mistake. I’m really surprised I wasn’t fired. Thank God that part of my life is over.

However, my mother would most likely be disappointed with me because I walked back to our hotel by myself at 12:30 in the morning, in the pouring rain. But I was really proud of myself because I exceeded 10,000 steps with my fitness pal app. Don’t worry, I’m still fat.

Proceed to the next day, my friends and I are three wide on a Rickshaw headed to Central Park where I proceeded to ask our driver if we were over the weight limit?

So, naturally I was just pretending to be Serena van der Woodsen and quoting Gossip Girl the entire time, but no one understood. Just like I didn’t understand why my friend was playing Pokémon Go.

But we finally ended up at Ground Zero, which was such a surreal moment. Even though I was in the 4th grade when it happened, I can remember what I did that day. And how crazy the world seemed to me when I was just a ten-year old girl. I think every American should spend a day in that museum because it will change your life. We need to remember what hatred does to mankind. We need to look out for each other and change the minds for the future.

 

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The stairs that saved thousands.

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View of the Twin Towers.

 

Until further notice: If you need me you can reach me by sending vodka and aspirin because I’m not moving from the couch.

It’s my birthday I can cry if I want to

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Here I am… Bringing in 25 alone and sober. Has my life really become this lame.

I just have to remind myself that I celebrated last Thursday with Shelby, when a CEO asked what I wanted to drink and I told him I didn’t want a drink, I wanted a pizza. And he literally bought me a pizza. I ate the entire pizza.

It’s like that song graduation, “Where ya going to be when you turn 25?”

Let me tell you … My current situation:

Currently I’m laying in my eight year-old cousins bed watching lifetime feeling like a forty-two year-old woman because my acid reflex is killing me.

I might as well just get a shake weight, and we all know what those things make us look like we are doing.

I still do not know what I want to be when I grow up. If you would have asked me twenty years ago I would have told you a country music singer or a Taco Bell employee.

It was also the first time I was proposed marriage by my pre-school boyfriend. He was going to be a garbage man and I was going to work at Taco Bell.

But I played that like a champ and broke up with him to perform a Bob Seger concert in our living room … Topless.

But then we were back together before my big debut as the flower girl in my mom’s best friends wedding. I needed a wedding date. I had more game when I was five.

Somewhere we have all of this on VHS.

If there is anything I have learned in my 25 years of life. It is to appreciate the ones that you love and the ones that have impacted your life. And embrace your life. It is so precious because we truly do not know how long we will be here. I’m even guilty of my own advice.

The thing is life is truly a bitch. It will kick you in the ass until there are days where you can’t even get out of bed. It will play mind games with you and it will bring you down because not everything will go your way. That’s why I leave that up to my inner goddess “Breyonce” to remind myself to fight for what I want. To fight for what I believe in. I may never get there, but at least I can say I tried. You only live once and that’s the motto that we YOLO…
“And we ’bout it every day, every day, every day.”

… It’s my birthday I can cry if I want too.

Also…Happy Memorial Day to those who served our country.

Especially to my Great-Grandpa Massey and Chapel up in heaven.

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God’s Soldiers

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Saturday, as I was playing my mom’s doppelgänger, I mean literally, I was pretending to be my mom. I signed in to the event as her, sat with all of her fellow nurse practitioner classmates, inducting her into the nursing chapter, and receiving her chords for graduation.While trying not to hysterically laugh as I shake hands with the Dean.

I felt like an actress. Where is my Oscar?

I would die if I ended up on the campus website of her college. They were taking pictures. I didn’t realize it was such a big deal.

Maybe I should be an actress.

My heart is full at the moment, it’s full of sadness. I have some friends and family members going through what I like to call, “the loops of life.” Life is not easy for anyone. It is constantly slapping us in our faces. It is out of our control. We do not understand why things happen, but they happen. It builds our character. It makes us stronger. This is what  I have to say to them,”Sometimes God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.”

So I will leave you with this:

Drug abuse is real. Addiction is real. Majority of the time the abusers do not realize who they are hurting. The high is the only thing that matters. It does not just effect your life. It effects the people around you. The people around you are the ones suffering while you are getting high. They are the ones in pain.

I once knew a girl, who’s life was almost ruined by drugs. She wasn’t the one doing the drugs. She almost had to drop out of college.

I have watched so many people ruin their lives because of drugs it is not worth it. If you want to get messed up, go buy a case of beer or a bottle of wine. I love wine. Jesus drank it. I’m drinking it right now as I’m smelling Shelby’s dog’s farts.

 

Pretty Hurts

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As I was sitting on the Megabus, getting crop dusted by fellow passengers, I was literally on the verge of passing out. I seriously think someone soiled themselves. I thought of a major topic that has been categorizing women for years, the term “plus size.”

Plus size, why do we even have that term in our vocabulary ?

Why can’t we just be known as strong, successful, and empowering women? Why is society obsessing over body image and not focusing on the person inside of the body?

We’ve all had those moments where we look at a picture from high school and think, “Damn, I thought I was fat then.”

And believe me, no man has ever looked at me the way I look at a cheeseburger, but when the time comes, picture it: eyes connecting, mouths full of meat, I will know I have found my own soup snake. Until then, I will just enjoy the beef.

I like to blame obesity for all my problems.
“Oh I can’t pay my bills, it must be my obesity.”

“My car has a flat tire, must be my obesity.”

“My shoes have holes in them, must be my obesity.”

 

I remember being in the seventh grade, I was a size 8. I had my first real boyfriend. I was so excited. Then I overheard one of his friends in Geography class call me a fat ass.

WHAT the Fuck? As you could imagine the bull horns started peaking through my skull. My nostrils were flaring, but me being me, instead of sticking up for myself I just broke up with him. Ahhh, the joys of young love.

I’ve always struggled with my weight. I’ve even had some certain people in my life comment on my “plus size” weight gain. You know what I have to say to them? Kiss my voluptuous ass. I’m not sorry I can only afford ramen at the moment.

I would like to say that I come from a family of “plus size” women, so I guess my family breeds us hefty.

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I’m not sorry that I love food. I hate when people tell you to watch what you eat. Really? I do watch what I eat. I watch it go right into my mouth.

Things bootylicious girls get in trouble for:

Mooning, I can’t stop myself when the opportunity arises. The freeing feeling of my bare ass in the air like a baboon as I cackle is something I will not pass up. It can be tricky, not knowing there are fifth grade boys in the van when my mom pulls into the garage…whoops!

Have you seen the recent headlines lately? They are all about body image and being plus size. Body shaming people. Body shamers don’t ever look in the damn mirror. Maybe they are afraid of what they might see staring back at them.

If they are calling Amy Schumer plus size, then are the rest of us abnormally obese? Thank God, we have people like her for young girls to look up to.

I’m not sorry I like to eat McDonalds. I don’t understand why that food makes you gain weight anyways, because it usually ends in a McShit.

If I ever have offspring and that child is a girl, she will never question her body. I will tell her everyday she is beautiful. I will be her advocate. I will hearten her creative mind and protect her confidence.

Jennifer Lawrence said in a recent article,”I think we’ve gotten so used to underweight that when you’re a normal weight, it’s like Oh My God, she’s curvy. Which is crazy!”

She couldn’t have said it better. We are the mentors for young girls. Let’s change the way we think.

Help me share this message! We are all beautiful people.

I love myself. I respect myself. As Queen Bey would say, flaws and all.

Join the Kind Campaign. #kindnessmatters

 

Now, mama needs to eat!

 

H2O, it’s important

 

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I imagine that if I had a body guard he would look like John Cena and his name would be Frank.

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And the following would be a daily conversation:

Picture it: Me having to use the bathroom.

Me: “Frank, you’re probably going to have to stand there for a while.”

Frank: “___” (silence)

And below is  the face he would be making: (Meanwhile, he’s thinking, “Damn girl, again!”)

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This morning as I was lip syncing Earth, Wind and Fire. In the elevator, I realized that my doorman probably has a camera in here and can see my every move, because I was also dancing.

Speaking of dancing, I still have not went out for a “thirsty Thursday”, since moving to Chicago. Wow, am I that pathetic? Or am I getting old?

Because I know that around 4:45 pm each day, I start getting tunnel vision to my bed.

Think about this:

One in ten people do not have safe water to drink. That’s about 660 million people, according to the World Health Organization. One in three people do not have access to a toilet, that’s about 2 billion people.

Do not take for granted, water or  a “pot to piss in.” Speaking of that, I’m pretty sure I sat in urine on the El (Public transit in Chicago.) The urine was most likely left by a homeless person, I try not to think about it.

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Think about water and food, which are probably two things we all take for granted. We are all guilty of wasting food or throwing it a way. When so many kids are going hungry, going to bed every night without something to eat. Some of these kids, the only time they get to eat is at school during lunch.

When I was in college, (Wow, that makes me sound old), my roommate, was student teaching in a low poverty area. There were times she would come home so frustrated because some of her students were literally starving. She started bringing snacks to give to her students. These snacks she bought with her own money while she was a poor college student. She is changing the future. She is the type of person we all need teaching kids. We have poverty and starvation in our own country that needs to be fixed. It’s everywhere.

In my opinion, encouraging a child’s imagination is one of the best things we can do as adults. It allows them to create their own world and fantasy, because when you’re a kid you believe everything. It allows them to be creative.

I can remember as a child I had a Barbie jeep. It was pink. I would drive up to the window of our house to pretend like I was ordering food at a fast food restaurant. I probably ordered a bologna sandwich with a squeeze it. But it was teaching me life lessons for the future. I can remember saying, “Thank you, Ma’am,” as if my mom was the cashier at McDonald’s. The point: Be polite, to whomever encounters you. You could be the one kind face they see that day.

Children mock, what their  idols do. For example: When my little sister was two, she tried ordering a senior diet, because that’s what our grandma always ordered. Could you imagine being that cashier?

Moral of the story: Be polite. Set a positive example. Don’t take daily luxurious for granted. Kindness matters.

I will leave you with this:

When I was younger I tried to start a band with my best friend, we called it the “Beach Girls.” Our first hit was going to be “Sitting on a rock,” (WTF, who were we), then I recently found a piece of paper where we had tried to write a rap song.

This was my line, “My name’s Bree Stitt, cuz I’m the shit. I put DE-O-DERRRENT on my armpits, ugh. What, what!”

Who am I? That’s just quite frankly, embarrassing.

This rapper is peacing  out and preparing for my long journey on the Megabus!

Have a good day, my friends.

Let your imaginations explore.

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My fantasy

Literally, I was waiting at the bus stop this morning freezing my nips off, probably could have etched my name in a glass window.

I was also day dreaming that Brett Eldredge was my boyfriend. #Icouldbedrunkonyourlove #celebritycrush … I may live in a fantasy world.

My little cousin truly believes that Brett Eldredge is my boyfriend, but she also has pretend boyfriends herself. They travel everywhere with her, even to the doctor’s office. They were at Christmas.

But, do you see what I mean?

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My aunt gave me the sex talk once. All she said was, “A girl can always hide a wet panty.”

I was 15.

This is when I wish I was a Victoria Secret model.

Speaking of Victoria’s Secret, I keep encountering the wire in your bra. I can’t afford to keep buying them. You know what I’m talking about. Don’t act like you’ve never had a wire bust through the seams and start poking your under teet. Or is that just busty girl probz?

One of the reasons why I don’t jog, I will get a black eye. I basically carry around two newborn babies everyday.

Random thought: the song “Work” by Rihanna just came on my Pandora, I wonder how long it took her to write that song? Whatever, I’m still listening to it.

Whenever my mom calls me or somebody important, instead of saying, “hello,”  I say, “Talk dirty to me.” She never does.

Thoughts of the day: They told me I couldn’t, so I did. Don’t ever let someone tell you,you can’t do something. If you find what you want to do with your life, go after it.

Random story: I once was the designated driver (I know what you’re thinking. Bree the designated driver? Well, this was before I had met Jose Cuervo. My real boyfriend.)

And yes, this was the night I got pulled over sober and failed a sobriety test because I was so nervous. I couldn’t walk a straight line. My one friend was puking. I was about to shit my pants. Because my friends are smart and had a DD, the cop let us off the hook.  However, the cop did not entirely let us off the hook because I got a ticket for crossing the center line.

WTF, I didn’t even know that existed and we were on a country road. THERE ARE NO LINES ON A COUNTRY ROAD.

Moral of the story: Be smart if you are drinking. Call someone to pick you up. Yes, it’s embarrassing, believe me I’ve been there. I had to call my grandpa to come pick me up, and I can only imagine what I said to him in the car. We will leave that a mystery.

Be safe. Be smart. Never venture off. Use the buddy system. Just like we learned in D.A.R.E.

 

Thank you to the men and women who risk their lives to protect us.

Officer Bree, over and out.

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I bought this for my bus ride home tomorrow. But Bree you’re not yourself when you’re hungry? (P.S. It’s not going to make it to the bus ride.)

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But first…Where is the love?

 

But first let me take a selfie…

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I woke up this morning casually late, on accident because I hit snooze three times. And when I get to work I walk past a mirror and my first thought: “Holy shit is that what I really look like?”

And then my brain started singing: “Girl you don’t need make up, you’re perfect when you wake up.” (Credits: Inside Amy Schumer) You should YouTube the video, it’s hilarious. And I love everything Amy Schumer stands for, she’s killing it.

And then I thought if I actually worked out as much as I thought about it, I would have been on the cover of Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition by now. But let’s face it, I do not have Carrie Underwood’s legs.

 

So take a minute today and listen to this song:

In my best Black Eye Peas and J.T voice:

“Father, Father, Father help us, Send some guidance from above,’Cause people got me, got me questionin’, Where is the love?”

 

It’s just like it says in the song, we only have one world, and we also only have one life. It’s up to us how we want to spend that life and how we want to impact the world. How do we want to change it?

As I ponder on my own life decisions, yes I have regrets, but who doesn’t? I mean really who hasn’t “accidentally” drank a whole bottle of red wine. I hear it’s good for the heart. OK, maybe that’s just one glass.

But still, don’t act like a bottle of Cabernet has never whispered sensual things in your ear. Because I know when it starts whispering in my ear, it leads me straight to the bedroom with William, as in Willy, my pillow pet. And then I pass out.

So here is my thought today, abuse is real. IT’S REAL. Whether it’s physical, verbal, whatever, you name it. And most people are afraid to talk about it.

When I was 20, I worked the night shift at Lowe’s in Indianapolis. My shift was crossed over with an elderly woman, who just answered the phones at customer service. And she had so many life stories, man you could be there for hours.

But one day, she opened up to me about how abusive her ex-husband could be. About how bad it got one night she ended up in the hospital. She could barely walk and the abuse impaired her vision for the rest of her life. It broke my heart just hearing what she went through. I was so mad. What is wrong with people? But I totally get it. I understand that people are afraid to reach out for help or that they are too embarrassed. But this is an intelligent and smart woman, who was held back by a man because he thinks he empowers her. But she overcame him and the abuse and I felt she trusted me enough that maybe sharing a little bit of her story, would help someone get out of a situation.

It’s people like her that have given me the motivation to get through my own life experiences.

It brings me back to how I was feeling when I was substitute teaching, because I hated it.

I definitely know I don’t want to be a teacher. Sorry, kids. So, I kept telling myself this isn’t forever, this is just the now. I would think of what so many other people were going through, and remind myself that I have a great life. But the only person who can fix it, is me.

I will leave you with this because some funny shit did happen:

I was substituting for a kindergarten class during Halloween and we were running out of things to do, because you can only entertain kids at that age for so long. So, I said, “Listen up, everybody get in your seats. We are all going to tell the class what we are going to be for Halloween and what we love about it.” Then I see this tiny little boy, so cute, raise his hand, he says,” Miss Bree, I don’t think I have anything to say because my family isn’t celebrating Halloween this year. My little brother has to get the skin cut off his wiener.” I lost it. I died. I could not contain my laughter. I would imagine that my substitute teaching was equivalent to Cameron Diaz in Bad Teacher.

Props to the teachers, who have to put up with this on a regular basis.

I also meant to mention this yesterday, but if teen mom was a show in the 90s, my mom would have rocked that shit.

Thank you to everyone who is reading my blog and sharing it!

And remember…never trust a fart.

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